I never felt so empty before !!

It seems few days have gone. You are still so tiny for me, what you used to be when you came in this world.

I exactly remember the very first day, when we took you home from hospital, you were 3 days new. We were addicted to sleep in total dark, room totally cooled. It was month of October, when weather was changing, winters were knocking. We still used to turn on the fan to have a deep sleep. You must be thinking why am I talking about weather? because this was the very first thing, where we started to mould ourselves as parents. We started to learn when sacrifice doesn’t seem like, and we take them granted in love. It was our unbounded, unlimited affection to you, where we learnt, how small things, what we are and we were doing in our lives, are going to affect you.

In the night I asked your father to put a night bulb in the room, because every thing should had to be visible, when you will cry and I will have to feed you or change your nappy. He immediately brought one and I found that he too was waking up whole night with me. But we still didn’t mind turning on the fan. I suspected the speed, fan was moving on, so your father slowed it down. We were relaxed that now we have given you an appropriate surrounding with all your cosy stuff, to have a nap at least for an hour or two. But we found you crying whole night, you did not sleep, I kept taking you in my lap, instead of doctors warning, not to sit for long, because I had a c section. Though we were also new, so it took so long to find out, reason of your cry. Finally it was 8 in the morning, when I was almost fainted, I asked your father to turn off the fan, as he had almost left the bed, to get ready for his office. I realised, as soon we switched off the fan, you slept. You wanted to absorb my body heat, what air was not allowing you to do. Since then I started to recognise your body clock, I started to listen when your heart buzzed !!

That day I realised, how each and every part of my body, my soul is nurturing you. I found hundreds of reasons to live and live life with you. My life was transformed, I started eliminating and append things, as per good and not good for you.

Things were changing and life was still moving. I kept counting every day. All ways were almost similar for us. Taking bath together, in fact sometimes I used to be on toilet seat and you used to be there in my lap too !! I started stitching dresses for you, prepared a list, what I planned to teach you and make you learn. I was cuddling with you, I played with you this much, I even didn’t play in my childhood. All my routines were going around your routines. So many stories to share. I saw my personality was changed totally. I was no more a Deepti, I was your mom. Even I found people saved my name in their phone book as Kuku’s mom.

Day after day, as I overcame with one problem, I found thousands of new concerns, hundreds of new challenges, but it was your innocent soul which was relying on me, seeing what, I kept fighting with everything. I even didn’t left myself or your father untouched.

When your age was in days, I used to think about a day when you will be grown up in months. Counting and watching every single day, what I have record of, Now you have completed three. I didn’t send you to playschool, I enjoyed your company through out. But I became more and more concerned about you as time passed. Now even if I leave you with your father too, for half an hour, that hour leaves a black hole on my heart. Concerns are still countable “if your are hungry, if you are thirsty”.

I have learnt not to be overconfident, but I don’t know why, I am not ready to admit, that some one can take your care better than me. Today heavy-heartedly we saw you off to school. I found your father’s eyes wet. I never found his voice stammering, the way I heard it today. I was holding my tears when you called me from class room. Words are still echoing in my ears “Mom come inside”. I was watching, listening and noticing all those unsaid words around, and smiling like nothing affects me.

I came back home and couldn’t dare to get inside unlocking the house. I went downstairs, sat on the grass. I started to get phone calls, from people who were watching me alone in the garden from their balconies, Where is Kuku?? I was gently replying them, laughing, yes finally she has started !! Ya ya ..First day of her school. All were sharing their experiences, and I was still listening to them with all bold heart. But I don’t think so now I am having capability to hold my tears. I have come back to home and looking at the watch to run fast, to see you again in my life.

====================================================================

Words seems limited for limitless feeling !

may god bless you always, give you strength, to fight with all bad and to enjoy all good in your life.

Your mom!!

 

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About Deepti

I am Deepti from Delhi, India. A Craft person, a blogger (Writer), Painter, a baby's dress designer, a daughter, elder sister of two, a wife and above all "Mother to a cute little Princess".
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